As i got up and began to pack my stuff Rhett woke up also and we both started packing our gear. It was a really beautiful morning and the sun felt really good after a cool night. We finished packing our things and i stretched myself to loosen up for one last day. Something about the morning reminded me of playing football or baseball as a kid. Like it was opening day and i was ready to go. It was a familiar feeling, nervousness, and excitement.
I didnt have far to walk to get to my final landing spot on the beach. It was only about 7 miles away. My stomach was hurting pretty badly as i was very low on food the last few days and had given everything away already. I was cramping from that and feeling a little light headed.
We were first headed to a restaurant where i would meet up with my family and some of my other close friends who made the trip down. I was so excited to see them all. That meant so much to me and i knew it would be an overwhelming feeling. We headed out through the neighborhoods, now that we were now off the santa ana bike trail. We made our way through the residential area and into town. We were heading to a restaurant just a few miles away.
We arrived there and were a few minutes earlier than our 10am planned meeting time. We were sitting outside of Pollie Pies in Hunnington Beach CA just about 4 miles from the ocean. We sat on the patio benches out front when all of a sudden i heard honking and i looked over to see my dads truck pass us by. As he passed i saw the rear window full of writing that said “hobo nick” and “coast to coast”. It was cool to see how much effort they had put into it and i knew they were proud of me. That was a great feeling. One i always seek and haven't found too much in the past. Probably since i have set such high expectations of myself. I took so much pride in making my family proud. That is a very rewarding thing. My cousins rental car pulled up behind them also and i couldn't wait to hug them all.
My mom and dad came walking up and with them was Rhetts dad Randy (a 2nd dad to me), and my cousin Jeremy and wife Christy behind them. I gave them all huge hugs and was very excited to have them all with me on this day. It was unreal that this was all happening. It felt like a really abnormal dream, especially weird since i was dirty and stunk so bad with a massive beard.
We went in and sat down. I was in a little bit of pain since i was slightly starved and also since i wasn't going to be eating anything. I had no money left and i was sticking to my guns about only taking help from people i didn't know the entire journey. We all sat in a large circle booth and caught up about everything. It had been almost a year seen i had seen most of them so we had a lot to catch up on! I sat there with a watering mouth as i sipped on my free iced water and everyone else ordered the best looking breakfast i think i have ever seen. Holy god!
My buddy Daniel Blair called my moms phone to talk to me. He was nearby after making the trip down the night before. He couldn't wait to see me at the beach so he said he wanted to come meet up there also. I loved hearing that and told him to get over there! He showed up about 20 minutes later and gave me a big hug when he got there. He was the one who dropped me off at the airport before i flew to florida to start this. I remember he was a nervous wreck leaving me knowing what i was going to attempt. It was funny to now see him on the other end of this journey, now 60 pounds lighter and with about 5 pounds of extra hair since seeing him last. That was a pretty cool moment! Just to see him now as a believer when before i think he was a little more skeptical. But he insisted he knew i could do it. He said he told plenty of people who asked him about it “if anyone could do it, its him”.
We all sat there for a long time just laughing and enjoying the moment. When it was getting close to the time where i should be getting on my way we headed back outside to the patio and sat there a few minutes longer. Before i left from there i had put my hobo cart in my dads truck and gave a thanks to it. That thing literally saved my life many times between Dallas Texas and the in the Mojave desert of California. It had done its job and done it well. But i wanted to finish this walk they way i started it, with just a backpack strapped to my back!
Me and Rhett left from there to finish the last 4 miles. Everyone else left in their vehicles to get to the beach and meet the rest of the crowd ready to welcome me. My knees really hurt as i was carrying the weight of my backpack. They were wrapped up tight and i could still feel them grinding inside with the damage that had been done to them along the way. My stomach had sharp pains running through it as i was starved, and my head felt dizzy and light. For a moment i thought i might pass out before making it to the end, but i tried not to worry too much.
We made our way coastal taking our time. The area was so nice and it was interesting that for all the places i traveled, coastal living was so unique. The weather is so different when you are just miles from the coast. The smell and the breeze feels so different. It is for sure a special place.
We came close to the downtown Huntington beach area and my head started getting dizzy. I was certain it was the lack of nutrients in my body. Simultaneously i began feeling the first wave of emotions. Mixed feelings of excitement, sadness, nervous, spiritual feelings, memories and people along the way. My heartbeat began to beat faster and i suddenly had little spurts of tears wanting to come out. But i was able to hold them back. I would then overcome the emotions and sort of snap out of it. Then they would hit again. I wondered what is next. Is there something special after this journey? The extent of what i had planned was literally ranging between continuing to live homeless on the coast and start walking somewhere else, all the way to going home and trying to live a more stable life by societies standards. This was a scary thought so i kept avoiding trying to figure it out. I just wanted to enjoy this day and celebrate what i had done around those who support me.
We were now in downtown. Just blocks away from the ocean. The downtown area was packed with people shopping and walking around. Being my first time in huntington beach i was seeing this all for the first time. It was the most people i had seen in a long time. Faces flashing by me. Seeing a face here and a face there. People passing by me in every direction. Everything sped up. To the point where i almost forgot where i was. I was blocks away from walking across the ENTIRE country, but i was in the moment with all the people and noises around me that i would keep forgettig. A wave of emotions hit me. Anxiety sets it. Thoughts are racing through my head. I dont know what to feel. I almost dont want to finish. I feel like sitting down. My stomach hurts worse now. Im going 1000 miles per hour! tears are trying to force themselves out of my eyes! im fighting them off. I don't like not having that control of my sad emotions. But then i let them go and somethings feels so good. My heart beats faster now and im having trouble breathing. I cant think straight but i just keep walking. As im looking down at all the legs walking by me and in front of me and battling the emotions and elements around me i hear a chant. it starts soft and grows louder “…..hobo nick… hobo nick… hobo nick!... hobo nick!!.. hobo nick!!!..”.. I feel so embarassed! everyone starts looking at me. All the people around me that dont know who i am start staring at me and asking questions to people they are with. I hear them talking about me and all i can do is look down and fight the embarrassmet and the tears that are still trying to escape. The crosswalk im waiting at turns to “walk” and im crossing the street where the mob chanting my name waits on the other side. I get to the sidewalk and the first person who walks up to me is pro motocross racer Mike Allessi. A guy who i idolized growning up. An icon of the sport who i only wished i could have been growning up. Ive never officially met him before and he comes up to me and gives me a huge hug. I dont know the guy personally but it was pretty cool to have him make the trip there to see me finish. He said he was amazed at what i had done and was so happy to be here to see me finish this amazing feat. WOW! a lot of my anxiety are released and a feeling of comfort comes over me. Then Gene, they guy who found me in the desert when i was missing and going through the hardest part of my journey. A time where i really started to accept death and the possibility that i might be stranded. He gives me a hug. Then i start to see faces in the group that i had seen along the way. Sean and Julie, the family in Dallas texas who had become friends and supporters of mine. They made the trip halfway across the country to see my finish! Jarred and his boss, from 29 palms who also came out searching for me when i was missing. And a bunch of others who were there along the way. I felt so relieved now. My parents and Family stood back and let me enjoy all these other faces. Then they all said to get to the water! i couldn't agree more!
I walked out and onto the sand. What a crazy feeling. I remember walking through patches of sand along the way and having it always remind me that one day im gonna feel this in a great way! i get out about 30 feet and i hear people chanting my name from the peir. I look over and there is a giant banner hanging down that says “hobo nick”. i smile and laugh. I cant beleive it. Again i'm embarrassed. Then i look ahead again and there she is. The giants blue ocean before me. I look at it for a few moments and then here it comes again...WHAM!!! a burst of anxiety. My hands and arms go numb. They are tingling and i can feel what i think is adrenaline shooting through them. Then an overwhelming feeling rushes through my mind. I feel my head vibrate in what almost feels like just had an orgasm in my brain. Different parts of my body are shooting with extreme feelings of ecstacy. It is so much that i am just trying to stay calm. I keep forgetting to breath and i catch myself gasping a little. I feel so good that nothing else fits into my thoughts but going straight into the ocean. This is it. This is that moment. I have never felt a lot of what im feeling right now. It feels like nothing can stop me from getting to the water. I feel as if i could be shot by a gun and it would be so numb to my senses that i would still just walk through it and feel the good vibrations running through my veins. The sand beneath my feet now feels like concrete and im now walking on wet soil. Im steps away from the water and i cant even grasp it fully. I just keep stepping. The water hits my feet as the thin layer of a wave runs up the sand. I start to calm dowm. I take another step and and the water hits my skin. There went that moment. I try to enjoy it but i cant fully take it in before the next moment comes along. It now hits my knees and then quickly moves up to my waste. I feel like im trying to capture each moment but i cant. They are passing me by too fast. For some reason i always imagined this to go much slower and last. I'm in the water and they waves are now pushing my body around. I have emotions still coming out but i feel like they are dying emotions and are just coming out to finish themselves off. I cant take it all in. I just cant. Suddenly i'm left in this moment where everyone around me sees something so special, but i don't feel it. Its not there. I feel so alone for a few moments. I'm in the ocean and its as if i can't even remember what is so special about what i'm doing or what i did. I look out to the incoming waves and they just keep rolling in. Then the few moments i'm in last forever. It feels like minutes go by where i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do. I don't feel anything now but a slight confusion as to what is happening. Then it hits me. The journey is over. It OVER. Its done. I don't feel anything because its not there anymore. I've done all of this to get to the moment i hit the water. But i never really thought beyond that. I wasn't prepared for any of the moments beyond that because i never wanted to think past that. And now it is past that. And i have no idea what to do. I can't feel anything good. If anything its shame that i let this slip me bye. All the growth i had done in the last 6 months and i feel like i just jumped backwards. At this moment i'm just waist deep in some water as life rolls on. Theres a whole world around me that just keeps going. For some reason i had an arrogant thought that time would slow down for me as a reward. Something special for all the adversity i had overcome. I just can't believe this is how it is supposed to play out. There is supposed to be something here for me. I worked so hard and never gave up. I just never gave up! this is what it was all for and now there is nothing. Did i miss something? There is an emptiness that rushes over me and i can't turn around. Everyone is cheering behind me but i don't hear anything but life going. Everyone will leave here and go home eventually. Their lives will go on and this will be done. This part is over.They will return to their routines, but i don't know what i will do. The cheers are drowned out by the waves coming in and the birds flying around me. Then i can almost see the beach behind me. Its empty. Nobody is really there. Its just me. Just like i started. Then something happened that was really powerful. A tear rolled down my eye. Nobody knew this tear came out but me. I didn't want anyone to see it. It was almost as if the tear was as red as blood and that if anyone saw it they would know what i felt. That couldn't happen. I honestly wished that on that moment nobody was there. I didn't feel like i deserved to have the celebration there for me. I feel like i slipped back into the first part of an oncoming depression. How am i going to write about this honestly? I really feared what people would say. The criticism i would receive. The outcome was something i am ashamed of. This great story is now instantly gone sad again. I dont know if i can write this out the way i feel it and let people read the truth. I stared straight out ahead and and it was one of the hardest moments of my life. Empty. I was empty inside. I had no sight of what i had done and to me this moment wasn't real. The things happening were not real to me. Il never forget the way i felt there in that massive ocean. I felt like i should. A small peice of the massive world. A very small part of this massive existence that just keeps rolling on. I had my moments but they passed me bye. I can do my best to enjoy them but they are over whether i like it or not. Im uneasy with these powerful realizations.
After this very bizarre and unexpected moment i came back a little. I sort of removed myself from this deep thought of realizing the brutal reality. It was a very uneasy thing to go through. I move on almost immediately and hide those thoughts away. I do the things i wanted to do. I screamed out of Joy as i stand there in the water. I had pictured it so long and i feel like its so rehearsed and gross when i do it. But thats what i wanted to do. It just feels very unnatural. I smile when i turn around and i try enjoy the things around me. Its a conflicted joy after what had just happened but i lived through it anyways. I smiled with the people and expressed the good things. I couldn't tell the realistic feelings i had as i stuffed them away in my subconscious. Just being scared. The fear of letting people know what i really thought. I mean if i really expressed those moments at that time people would have been so let down and disappointed. Maybe think im crazy. How can i have no fear of the hard things about surviving hiking across the whole country, but i fear letting others know my real feelings. It doesnt make sense. But it is real. The rest of the day was spent really enjoying the time and company there, but having an underlying sadness too. Mostly thinking inside about what had happened in those moments. As hard as that was and as much as i was let down, i was still so thankful for that experience. It was something i could have never lived through inless i did what i did. Good or bad, it was powerful and real. And i feel that in some way its just part of growth. I'm always hungry to learn more about myself. This definitely gives me something to think about and explore now.
Later that night i made my way back down to the water and sat there to watch the sunset. I watched the water and i looked peacefully to the horizon as the big sun was going down. I wondered a lot about what happened that day. As the sun went down i came to a realization. I had grown so much over this journey. I was very thankful for that. I remembered back to the things along the way. The small things stood out the most. The little things that brought me joy. The things that cheered me up. Those were the things that stood out the most. The new connection i was able to harness, both spiritually and with the beauty of nature. And im not really the hippy type. At least in my mind. I realized that it wasn't about the finish. It was never about the finish. The finish felt so manufactured. The start was where this was genuine. I am good at the start because i have the courage. But the finishes are so much harder for me for some reason. It just doesn't feel as good. Im not good at ends. I think i don't find value in it like others might. This is where i really understood now that it was about the journey, not the finish. But the finish is where the wisdom was. This day was full of the reality check. On paper it should seem like the best day. All the people, stepping into the finishing water of completing the challenge, the relief. But it wasnt. It was hard. It was gut wrenching. It was emptiness and just an end of the best part, the journey itself. I wondered if i would ever enjoy a sunset more than those i had seen before this. i watched as the sun went down and starred alone out to the darkening waters of the pacific ocean.
I was thankful for the spiritual wisdom i had gained that day. Over the next few days i was somewhat numb to the things around me. Life had become drastically different every moment i rejoined society. Most of it which i didn't enjoy. I just went with the flow and sort of just accepted it though. But my mind was just so preoccupied with thinking about the finish. It was almost depressing but i would just smirk thinking about how much of a curveball it was. I wasn't really bitter about it. I was just more trying to find out how to understand it better. And i know to each his own. Every person can see this differently. But i needed to understand it in my own terms. And i did. I would make the little realizations here and there and they were good. I would smile. But i feared that i was loosing my spirituality. I tried to hold it but it was naturally slipping away. I also feared that my decision making is best when my spiritual connection is strong. I was afraid i would lose that ability as well. I hope to get back to that but i was nervous about what would happen in the time between there, or if i would even get back to that at all. I would reflect on things and i was still so thankful. But the journey felt like it was aging fast. Like for every day after it ended it felt like i was weeks removed. I gained so much on this journey spiritually, and lost some physically. It seemed like it balanced out. The journey must go on. But i still have no idea what to do. Im sure it will come though. The world doesn't stop for anybody. It just gives you what you go after in every moment, but the moments go fast. I know have a big challenge ahead of me. I have a lot that i want to work on. Things become exposed and i can see more and more issues i need to deal with. Things that a journey like that can't completely fix. But it sure can help me identify them. So in a way its a start to the fixing-process. I think identifying issues can be one of the hardest parts of actually fixing them.
I dont even know what i'm going to do tomorrow, but it will come and go, thats for sure. I think i have many troubles and dark days ahead. But I also have a pretty good feeling that the best of life is still on its way.
